South of Settled

I really like this, I think I could get used to it…

A lot’s changed in these past few months.. I feel like my life is on display at the current moment. Everyone seems interested in graduation and my future plans; really, it doesn’t mean a thing to them. I can see how it would mean more to me than others.. but really all they’re intersted in is being up on the talk of who’s going where. Next year, they’ll pass off the same “caring” smile to the next person walking their way, who just so happens to be a senior. Other than that, life has been okay to me. She and I are over.. which brings me to the fact that I regret the way in which the whole thing went down, but I honestly don’t regret it happening. Someone who points out your flaws publicly, such as across twitter, shortly after seperating obviously doesn’t love you like they say they did. I did meet him, and am very happy with him. I feel as if people look at us though, and wonder how in the hell on earth does a girl like me get as lucky to end up with a guy like him. It honestly bugs me.. not the fact that they wonder, that I completely understand… What really bugs me, is the fact that I care so much. Who gives a shit what they think? I wish I could read his mind though. And really explor the possibilities of his thoughts. I wonder if he ignores their inquiries completely, if he doesn’t care, or if he acknowleges them as true, and can see past them. Now that he’s not here, I feel more alone than ever.

Today is a mega sleepy day. i got hardly any sleep… which is okay, because I had a lot to think about. I thought about her, mostly. I dont really want to dive much deeper in to it on here, but it was a pretty okay night.

Later today, I’m scheduled to give blood. Hopefully my sleep factor doesn’t affect anything… I really dont feel like making friends with the church floor. It’s been probably like a year since I donated last, and I’m really glad they called me. It’s a pretty okay process, and it doesn’t hurt much.So, I should be fine.

Afterward I’m supposed to hang with michael, so that should be fun. I hope that this weekend works out in my favor…

I think im going to learn hawaiian. Yeah, sounds good..

Today started out really good, and somehow got mildly depressing. My second block seems to bring out the worst in me.. I have no connection with these kids whatsoever. I seriously feel like an outsider. Not to mention I feel like my teacher hates me or something… Smiles dont kill people, they make people feel better.

I guess it doesn’t matter because I’ll be done here in a couple of months. It’d just be nice to not have a completely miserable time until then.

But last night went well. I got to talk to her.. It made a night consumed by work a lottt better. :) It’s nice to have that giddy feeling, even if its from nothing.

I am reading this book though, I really love it… It’s not really written in a particular style, and it’s easy to stay interested in it. I think I can connect with it so well because of my brother.

Next is Webpage design. I checked out a textbook from there, even though I didn’t have to. I pretty much hate NVU.. and html coding looks a lot more fun in general.

Last night was, to underestimate it, fun. Maryjane can make me laugh my ass off, no matter where my life is at. Add that to the combo of a social life, and you’ve got an awesome time in my book. Oh yeah, i talked to her.. at least texted her..

Ended up passing out during Napoleon Dynamite. I think right after the part where Napoleon took Pedro’s bike off the “Sweet Jump”. Woke up this morning, feeling superrr tired. As the day progressed, my tummy took a turn for the worse.. :( Painforpleasure??

So now, im watching the contortionist on tv.. seems pretty interesting.. Coffeeaddiction..

My life is kind of at a stand-still right now. I feel like I’m not getting anything accomplished.. wasting time, if you will. I think that transitioning from the person who I used to be, one that cared more what people think, to the person that I am now has been a rocky one.

I go a little insane sometimes. Mostly because I’m lonely, I think. I miss my best friend, and I miss how things used to be. There’s not really a person out there that truly understands me.. And I realize that probably sounds cliche, but its the truth. Although there is this girl that makes me smile.. Although I dont think she fully realizes how awesome she is. Sometimes I want to do something spontaneous, just to see her smile.. So she could get a glimpse as to how I feel.

Hopefully once I get started with college, I can get on with my life. Start fresh.
Get high on milk, cows are on grass.